A Solution

Recently, I met a German lady who invited me to join the International Women's Club of Philadelphia. I looked at their schedule of events and quickly realized that these women must have rich husbands who allow them to be stay-at-home housewives because, with the exception of one annual dinner, all the events are in the middle of the workday. I told the German lady that the only event I can attend is the annual dinner and asked what kind of food I should bring. She told me that in previous years the annual dinner was held at someone's home and it was always only a few people who volunteered to help set up, which made the event less fun for them, so this year it will be held at a country club which will be costly.

This phenomenon, where a few people in a group put in much more effort and the rest of the group simply enjoy the benefits, is very common. I see it in my workplace where a few people consistently work overtime, while others leave when the clock hits 5, yet they are in the same pay level. They are under recognized and under appreciated. In my parents' Bible study group, each family will rotate to host the rest of the group. However, soon it became just one or two families constantly hosting. You can also see this in the microcosm of a marriage. When one partner is putting in more time and effort to do house chores, there can be a build up of resentment. On the macro level, communism tries to rectify the unjust world of farmers doing all the work and the nobles simply mooching off of their efforts.

Is there a solution?

Elite schools and companies have an elaborate application and interview process to try and make sure that the candidate is a good fit for the rest of the group. In general, groups that seem to run successfully have a rotation system where each person at some point will take on a portion of the responsibilities.

I remember in high school biology we were often broken up into teams, and most teams did not do so well, except for one. I observed that this team was comprised entirely of females while the rest of the teams were either all male or a mix. I was initially on a mixed gender team. I noticed the slight tendency towards antagonistic behavior, where ideas being generated were either dismissed or ridiculed, and often the team went off topic. I decided that a chance at a better grade would be to get into the all-female team. The difference was dramatic, all ideas were accepted as valuable and everyone had the common goal of doing a good job on the project.

In middle school, the gym classes were segregated by gender. The volleyball team I was on initially did not do very well, but quickly became the top team. In the beginning, none of us were particularly good at volleyball. Each of our individual failings were noticed by everyone on the team. We did not shy away from our deficiencies, we confronted them, but not in an antagonistic way. As a team, we encouraged each other to improve in a collaborative and supportive manner. Pulling people up, instead of pushing people down. By lifting each other up, we were able to win.

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I wrote the above on Wednesday, October 30, 2013 at 11:58 AM. Reading my draft 10 years later, I am struck by still how relevant this topic is in my life. Currently, I am teaching Calculus at a local college and students come in with so much negative self-talk. I hear an echo chamber of "I'm so stupid," "I'm dumb," "I'm not smart," etc. They also have a tendency to tear each other down, instead of lifting each other up. The focus is on being "right" instead of on the process of learning. Maybe telling them the story of how the all-female biology team excelled and how my volleyball team became better could serve as inspiration in math.